Saturday, March 24, 2018

Late night chats

When all the kids are settled and it's a good night and you stay up talking

Sometimes you talk about anything but autism and your kids, they're great nights
But when you do talk about autism and the future that awaits
Yea it never is a good conversation is it

Where will they go when your both dead
That's a very scary thought, especially with the crisis at the moment
Care homes being shut down, abuse being reported in care homes thanks to whistle blowers, cuts to funding

It's just too daunting a subject and ends up leaving you depressed and scared out of your mind

Then financials
You gave up your careers to care for your children, you had to, it was not by choice

So when your children leave the family home and are in the care of the hse be it care home or whatever, you can no longer claim money for them, you will no longer be their carer
Then what? Your just tossed aside with little to no money to survive,no pension to reflect the work you did just a standard state pension, and that's if pensions still exist by then

All these companies hiring robots, robots don't pay taxes, taxes pay social welfare payments ahhhhhh. Can't go there, too Scared

 yet you have to go there, you gotta pay the bills and loans you  took out to help provide for your special needs children, every special needs parent has a loan or 2 for something, and your mortgage still needs paying.

you can't  get a job as your inexperienced  and out of work for so long that your skill set is no longer valid, anyway robots are probably doing any job you would be qualified for
Fucking robots

What happens then

Apart from stressing over your child who's no longer in your home and the fear of the closed doors you can not see behind

You also have the financial stress
Then the guilt stress of not being able to have your child well adult I should say at home with you

Then if your kids are in residential care homes you'll have a whole new life to adjust to, a whole new pace, will you identify with yourself or loose yourself, will you know who you are, will you feel empty and incomplete, will you reinvent yourself? Will you and your husband stay strong together and create a new life or fall apart as you can't move on from the guilt and stress

Or worse, you have no care home or adult service available to you, what then?
Will you be mentally strong enough, physically strong enough and emotionally strong enough to care for your special needs adult
Can you both do it? Can you defend yourself against the aggressive outbursts cause you barely could with a preteen while in your 40s
Sickness, how will you cope if one of you are sick, or needing hip or knee replacement
What if one of you get cancer or heart disease or anything serious
Sure how would you cope if one of you had a typical sickness like the vomiting but
Their not kids anymore, they are grown ass adults, it's a whole new caring role and more challenging than before

Omg I'm sweating and panicking as I type

Oh I wish I didn't wonder so much about the future but some days its all I can think about

I'm very scared of it that's for sure

PS I typed this while lieng in bed sick with a severe kidney infection
I'm awake since 3am and in a lot of pain my back especially

I can hear chaos down stairs, my husband is solo parenting today after a very rough night with preteen
He had a 2 hour melt down and only went to bed at 1am

My mind is racing and I hate it

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