Friday, March 23, 2018


Battles

We all have them and we all need to pick them, one of my biggest battles is working v being a carer

I loved working, I loved my wages too
I'm a carer a very long time now and I know no one can do the job for my family like I can but its not something I enjoy doing 

I love being out of the house and busy and I love to study, I've done a lot of studying over the years 

Some days I'm content and just get on with it but some days especially the bad autism days I can get quite depressed wondering what could have been and why I made some choices I made and why I can't just get over it and accept it 

I'd love to work but the situation I am in is that it's impossible, I have 5 kids in 3 different schools and one of them Schools in a Hrs drive away, if preteen is sick and needs collecting thats a 2 hr drive 

My 6 Yr old has a life threatening illness that can happen  at any time and Needs immediate hospital intervention 

The appointments are relentless, some weeks you can have 4 in one week and always a fair oul drive away and others you can have 3 in one day 
It used to be much more but now I refuse to go to some especially if they are not extremely important or I know it will be just a straight forward catch up type thing even ieps, I have 3 of them, now I do them over the phone as its just too stressful to find the time to attend, I have great schools and teachers who understand and accomodate this

Then we need to factor in the severe sleep deprivation, that's a real killer and there is no way I could maintain employment with little to no sleep, I can barely maintain being a carer 

Sickness, lots of it, it's like a never ending journey 
Because I have 5 kids in 3 different schools that bloody vomiting bug just won't shift once it lands, one will be better and the other one falls, we struggle so bad with this bug as we get it also and still need to care for 3 severe autiistic kids 
Sinus infections and viral infections are also never ending especially this year for some reason. 

Weather warnings, yes and there have been so Many, schools close and rightly so due to severe weather warnings, parents need to stay home as their kids are out of school 

School Summer holidays, yes they are long and they are chaotic especially in an autism household, even Easter and Christmas holidays seem to have gotton longer, what is that about, they're only back from them and they are on a midterm of a 2 day break then the bank Holidays which most parents have to work then the in service and training days 
Its mental carry on, it's not as if we can get childcare for our special needs kids 

I don't know haw people manage to maintain a job in general with small kids but with special needs kids 
How? 

I have tried and failed miserably 
I've plotted, schemed, researched for a way I can work and it's just not possible, it will never happen, not with our circumstances 
Even hubby can't work for all the same reasons. 
If we had just one autistic child we could send one of us to work, but with 3 
Impossible 

Its very hard to accept that, especially when you struggle financially with the expense autism brings, we don't drink, dont smoke and get out very little and still we are financially strained 

Every resource we have goes on our kids and extra help needed with our kids 
Dca, children's allowance all goes on Inhome and loan repayments for money borrowed to adapt and autism proof our home 

We try get a take away once a week for a family night just so my non autie children have a treat and some form of normality 
We try get to the cinema once a month 
Again so they feel normal 
But we as parents do not feel normal, we give everything we have to our children that we forget ourselves 

Mental health is so important and problems, emotions etc can sneak up on you when you least expect it 

I can go long periods where I have no time to think. What ifs and I'm planning the next week like a military mission. 
But then il find a spare few minutes and yep i start thinking all the above and it sucks 

I hate it, i hate feeling the way I do but it's my feelings, my emotions and I need to deal. With them and try put a positive to the negative 

Yes no one can do the job I or my husband can do For our  family

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