Sunday, March 25, 2018

Asperger's v auitsm

This is from my own personal experience only, what'sever is written here is from my journey and my kids

Severe non verbal autism
Its hard and its very challenging
The behaviours are extreme
They cannot communicate so they get frustrated and overwhelmed
Its 24/7 its groundhog day and its a very long never ending struggle

They can talk, they can communicate and they can live independent lives  but they need to learn a lot about the world first,

To achieve that is what makes you lose your mind

I put most of my parenting efforts into my daughter leaving husband focused on the other 3, but it needs and needed to be this way

My teen daughter  had problems with  rationalising, reasoning, organising  structuring , staying focused or on task, socialising, Understanding sarcasm, reading and processing emotions, she was self involved, Anxiety ridden and had no confidence or self worth, she struggled with peers and peer behaviour

I could go on and on here

This is now so much better but near gave us all a nervous breakdown getting her to the good place she is at today

She needed a lot of help with things even at age 18 she still needs a lot of help, but if I compare my teen to her peers in school , trust me my teen will go places and is more capable in ways than They are

We are a very open, honest and communicative family, we talk about everything and ask advice or guidance from each other on how to move forward
This goes for my husband and I, us and my 9 year old and especially for my daughter and us her parents

If me or my husband are unhappy we talk it out and find a solution and compromise going forward
We do the same witb teen, teen spent a lot of time being unhappy and she didn't like to compromise so we could never move forward, we got stuck on a loop, a lot a lot of loops, this was torture

I used to say and think that my teen was only happy when she was miserable or causing misery

She could not read emotions well, she needed me to explain them to her
She would say inappropriate things at inappropriate times
She would walk into the disaster and hazards
She would daze as she walked often getting lost or wandering off
Her meltdowns where endless and when she came out of it she would rethink it and go back into the meltdown
She had anxiety about everything and she had a fear of the most stupid of things
She was oblivious to anything that did not directly involve her
She had fleeting thoughts that scared the shit out of her

Ignoring a autism meltdown becomes a skill but there is no way to ignore an aspie meltdown

They come find you, they shout abuse at you, they throw things at you, they kick the door until you come out, they run away from home, they face book message you to continue the argue or they txt you, they threaten to tell lies about you, they manipulate you, they try control you

Now as a parent you should cop on and just nod and walk. Away, that's the appropriate response, yea that never happemed but your human and yes you snap and she says horrible shit to you,  you say horrible things to her, your parenting skills turn to shit, you fight with your child as your human and you sometimes throw things back

I'm not proud but I'm not apologetic either
Until your faced with the situation you have no idea what you would do either
I have thrown a hair brush at my daughter and it did clop her on the head
We laugh about that now
She has kicked, punched, scraped, and pulled hair out of my head, we laugh about this too
I did pack her bags and throw her out
We also laugh about this, in fact we remiiniss a lot about these things and laugh
Weve been through and done some mental shit together

The hse where useless in helping us, in fact they more hindered than helped

She's at that age now where we are friends and we are at a great place of communicating  and compromising
I have learnt through no help of the hse but through parenting her and studying counselling and psychology  how best to handle things, unfortunately it took 16 years but hey, better late than never I suppose

She comes to me for help with everything but it's fine as there are very few arguments now
She has turned into an amazing young adult very capable, in fact more capable and way more mature than her peers of life just not of her self
Were still working on this, it's hard but we're getting through it

Social anxiety is still very much a problem and structuring and organising herself, she is so forgetful and scatty when it comes to her self but not other people, why? Because it is written or explained
Babysitting, she is an amazing baby sitter
And in high demand
Why? instructions are left and there are guidelines to follow

For years we had hazard signs up like on the microwave door, NO METALS
she earned the nickname microbomber
She almost blew the house up
At the toaster, no cutlery while toaster is switched on, yep she would put knives in the toaster to get her bread out, mid toasting
Water and electricity was another disaster
Car parks and reversing cars
Crossing roads
Unplugging things like straighteners and curling wands

You know the song dumb ways to die, yea shes done nearly all of them, I'm amazed she's still here to tell the tale
In fact that is a great educational song and my teen learnt a lot from it

I copped on very early how to parent teen
Everything had to be black or white with her, no confusing unnecessary add ons or middles

Teen couldn't  have a menu in a restaurant (she can now but when a Pre teen, hell no)  too many choices over whelmed her and made her anxious, I picked two of her favs and told her to pick 1, even that was a panic

Saying no to teen was a rag to a bull
Instead of a straight up no, we had to compromise she had 1 or the other, park or swimming never a third option, beach or lake, or not today but we can tomorrow (but you had to make sure tomorrow happened and you had to follow through with everything you said

Teen needed military planning
She wanted to know the time we leave, when she could go to the toilet, how many towns we had to pass through, how long the journey took, the arrival time and where we would eat and at what time
I had to make social stories or a check list

My Mum babysat teen while we went on honeymoon for 2 weeks, she was 4 at the time
I gave my mum 4 A4 typed pages on how to get through the days with teen
My Mum thought I was nuts and laughed at me

School was never a right fit for teen, primary was HELL, secondary was better in some ways but a disaster in others, she was able for the academic side just not the peer side, although she tried very hard it just wasn't for her, she has left without her leaving cert but she's still in education in a place more suited to her and her needs, she's  with older people than her, she feels so much more comfortable and Confident there and has made so many more friends
Her self esteem is coming back

Something clicked at 16 and she actually realised I gave her good advice and life skills.  That I wasn't her enemy and Controller, she stopped defying me so much, I Introduced her to psychology and pointed out the things that related to her, seeing it in black and white and listening to you tube clips really did make her more aware and learn to process things better
She's actually quite interested in psychology now and counselling, she can council anyone through their shit times just can't council herself

Asperger's is in ways much harder than typical autism, the struggles are so much more intense and push every last button you have, there is no escaping it either

But my girl is amazing, mature and responsible, she is also very capable of practical things  especially if it has rules and guidelines

People don't come with rules and guideline unfortunately and this is where she falls down a bit

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