Tuesday, May 12, 2015

onward and upwards

onwards and upwards i hope  

I’ve got to say reading back through all my old blogs is weird, I had forgotten just how tough our journey was/is, there are behind the scenes issues with K and R but not relevant to autism so not relevant to this blog but reading back I wonder how I ever made it this far.  I was starting to get stressed just reading the stress but than I stumbled onto this old blog.

The fab My gorgeous  Mr fab, is just that FABULOUS

Today mr fabulous tried something for the first time ever, PASTA WITH SAUCE, was so shocked, I doubt he’ll revisit this moment of madness but was just great all the same.

He is after taking a major stretch and he’s just a whole new child. His interaction is fantastic and his non verbal methods of communication are so clear and visible. He really has amazed me with his new found devilment streak as well. He will do anything for devilment, he loves when I have to run after him to grab something off him or chase him for getting dressed. He is so capable now as well, he’s becoming very independent and interested. He is even starting to tolerate R so much more. I have L’S tutor and my dear friend B to thank for a lot of this. They work so hard with L that it’s really showing and paying off. G, Crazy jane and I will take a little bit of credit of coarse but just a little lol. Now if they could rid me of my crazy artist mr fab who paints with shite (no really, shite) I would be so delighted lol.

R is still the same lunatic as ever, that child will put me in an early grave I swear. He’s so funny, just so smart, cheeky and energetic. He has us exhausted and his tantrums are horrific but he’s just so damn cute. He walks around the house with the car keys babbling away to him self in Portuguese (Brazilian) and English, add in baby babble and we have www.confusedmamanddad.com we never know what he’s on about but he’s just so funny.

K is becoming soo grown up it’s scary.. She went to the cinema to see eclipse (twilight) and she looked amazing all done up in her black dress, denim jacked, perfect hair and make up. I really just had to stop and look at her; she was soo beautiful and just older than her years. I always knew shed be so much more mature in her age than most as I could see the build up to it.

I’m slowly starting to get back to my old self and feeling more positive and good again, it was so bad there for a while. I’m exhausted from all the stress, work and negative thinking that I let it suck me under, I even started to eat soo much crap for comfort and now I’m huge, I have so much weight to loose, I feel soo different and negative about my appearance, I’m even paranoid to wear most of my clothes.

I’m determined to loose this weight and get my backside back in motion. I was recently studying psychology and Child Psychology and gave up through the diagnosis and pregnancy period but I re enrolled and I’m due to start back very soon, I cannot wait as my brain is starting to cry out for me to use it again. I think being around my friend who is a Psychologist/Psychiatrist and our debates and long chats and advice to each other has really made me crave to study again. G has also been at me for the last year to return to my studies as he knew I needed it. G is freaky that way; he can read me like a book even when I can’t read my own self.

I swear my life has bipolar, I don’t but my life has

 another old blog   LITTLE WONDERS (LUCAS SONG)

I was really brain storming a blog today; it was about the nature/nurture debate of the BOLD child. (hate that word and don't believe in it) my mind was racing with what I wanted to type, but then my hubby started talking to me and I completely lost focus and my taught disappeared, just like that “ poof “ gone. I tried to get my train of taught back, but gone, vanished, lost. I know I will write it again as its a topic I strongly have an opinion on but for now, its gone to bed and will set its alarm when its time to get up lol.

My motivation is so lacking today, to the point where it’s 2pm and I’m still not dressed or washed, yuck. I’m munching on Aldi’s big bite tea cakes (seriously yummy comfort food) I’m shattered and a bit down, I have no idea why, I’ve been really struggling the last few months and I think it’s just caught up on me. While with my new fabulous doctor yesterday I was explaining all about an event in Ks life and I just burst into tears. It was so hard to stop crying.

I finally admitted out loud that I can't cope anymore, that I’m struggling more and more every day. When R cries, he screeches, it’s so painful to listen to as it’s very high pitched. He is so good yet so much harder than the other 2. He cannot cope for one minute to be on his own. If I go to the utility room from the kitchen, he cries, if I go to the loo, he cries, if I move from his sight at all, he cries. I try and ignore it but it’s just impossible.

What really got to me was the Area Medical Officer yesterday. Well dear if he is waking for a bottle at 3am, why don’t you try giving him his dinner then? I have to admit my face must have said more than a thousand words. I just stared for a while and said NO, no I won’t as I’m awake again at 6 with L. She gave me the kind of irresponsible mum look, if it wasn’t for the health nurse rolling her eyes in my favour I think I would have taught I was a bad mum for not doing it. Then I remembered that the AMO is not the enemy, she a lovely lady and believe me, if your child needs something, there is no better woman to have on your side. I took a deep breath and let it roll right off me. Ok a close one, but I’m OK.

You see I can ignore a lot, over look things and just simply let comments that are irritating roll right off me, but that’s because I’m functioning perfectly, but when I start snapping and loosing it, that’s when I know I have to go into hiding, avoid all potential dangers and hibernate until I’m feeling fine and dandy again. I hate when I feel this way but it really is the safest option. I know I have to keep filling my head with happy thought’s. Take deep breaths and count to 10 before I answer people. I have to avoid all annoying people, stay clear of people with negative vibes and just surround my self with positive happy vibes.

I also have been focusing on the little things in life, and remembering what they really mean and what their all about. I’ve been in touch with a fair few people who I was very close to from years ago, and I have to admit, talking to them about good times has been great and up lifting. Exchanging stories back and forth, having a giggle about the crazy stuff we did, remembering how crazy we were and full of life we where.

I also got thinking to songs that remind me of good times, brought back memories and just mean something. I was buzzing through you tube the other night and a song came to me, I was hoping id find it and I will copy and paste the lyrics. This song reminds me to L, his struggles and how they don’t matter; it really reminded me that the little things are the important things in life.

So here’s to you L, you truly are one of life’s little wonders, you are amazing and your smile is like the sun, your eyes are like diamonds and your logic is your talent. When you smile you light up the room, your eyes twinkle and smile with you, they tell me how you feel and let me know when your happy, they fill my heart with joy when they look back at me, when you share a kiss or cuddle with me I remember to embrace every minute and not be too busy for your attention and affection. I cherish your way of thinking as it is innocent and adventurous. I am your guide in life and I always will be, but you are my guide to happiness and I hope you will always guide me on this path with you and remind me to stop and think of the little things as they are all that matter. That life is as simple as you want it to be and that stress is the enemy that takes those happy feelings away. You are my everything xx

L’S SONG   I have posted a you tube link previous and if you go to your tube and search for rob Thomas little wonders you will find the song, its an amazing song

Rob Thomas - Little Wonders Lyrics
let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels
0ur lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end
our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain
all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now
in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

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