Wednesday, May 13, 2015

new arrivals

I stopped blogging in and around this time as life got so hectic, I got too tired of life, tired of trying to keep positive and happy and raise 3 children in the process.  But at least I saved those blogs (I deleted all of them from the internet as just hated reading them, I stored them away on my laptop, so glad I did as re blogging them and reading back at all that madness now has made the twins journey seem like a walk in the park in comparison lol. 

Before I got pregnant on R we had completed an adoption course, we had plans to adopt an older girl from Brasil, and I felt it would be better for us as a family and good for K.  Low and behold I get pregnant.  When doing adoption you cannot proceed with an adoption while pregnant or until after you new born is 2 years old, ooops, ah well we will revisit this notion again next time.  Welcome to the world R 

times, dates ages not exact as i cant remember and this is taken from old blogs etc

So R was 2 and a half, time to revisit that adoption thing, we again started our course, as we needed to renew it as 4 years since last one.  We got half way through when a gorgeous Brazilian girl strolled into our lives, but the if’s how’s and why’s are irrelevant but in she came.  This child became so much part of our lives we forgot all the time that she was in fact not our child, so much so she just became one of ours and we stopped with the adoption again, we now had 4 children and we where very happy with our 2 girls and 2 boys.  For the laugh of it G lets have another baby, oh me and my bright ideas lol, Sure why not, R was just fine, mad but fine, he’s funny, hyper, NT it looks real good to go again, and now we have Iz too I don’t think I want to go down the adoption route, the stress is just not welcome, life’s stressful enough without the stress of an adoption, even thou it was a dream of mine for as long as I could remember. 

So to the Dr I go, she too thought it was a great idea, I got my script of clomid, bloods checked for thyroid and b12 and away we went.  Things looked dodgy but than I remembered I always got pregnant on the very last round of it.  And I did, 6 months later I was pregnant.  OMG it’s a girl I thought as I was as sick this time as I was on K, horrendous but great.

 L had been becoming very agitated out of the blue, it was daily, we where beside ourselves, what is wrong with this child, demonized.  L was starting to kick in severe tantrums and head butt windows and walls, punch things including us.  Like just because I was pregnant he decides to flip a switch in his behavior, are you kidding me L.?  We need and went to an excellent behavioral psych, He too is baffled by L’s sudden flip, and he decides we need to do a diary of sleep, mood, food, and behavior, routine you name it we needed to record it. After a few months we finally pin point it down to citric acid intolerance, L loved his oranges, orange juice, and pineapple etc, omg how are we going to sneak these out of his diet grrr. 

Incident 1: L escapes from play centre and runs into busy car park, I ran after him at top speed (L is fast) that night I had a bleed, straight to hospital, all good bleed stopped, but scan just in case.  I laughed and said sometimes I feel like I have 2 in there as I’m so sick and movements everywhere so so early.  Dr laughed sure you’d be feeling nothing yet really, well the shock, on that scan (my first) where 2 little beating hearts, omfg no way.  TWINS K screaming all over the hospital, my friend beside me just as shocked as I am.  I had to ask for a photo as knew no one would believe me if I said it was twins, G was like how, just how, no twins in our family, but that's the joy of clomid, I was so so happy.  I always wanted twins and was always a bit sad when id see only 1 baby on a scan, felt like clomid robbed me all the time lol, well not this time. 

Being pregnant on twins was serious hard work, and very exhausting esp. considering my age and 3 previous pregnancies and the madness that is my life with autism.  G worked in Dublin 1 night a week but was gone 2 days; it was starting to get very difficult with L.  His behavior got too challenging for me to handle on my own.

Incident 2: One night in pure temper he kicked me full force to stomach, back to hospital, all was ok but a social worker paid me a visit.  She said it was getting dangerous now and I needed to get some extra help, but from where, we put in an urgent application for respite, it was a fight and a serious struggle but we finally got it.  We also applied for transport to and from school for L (I was driving him 1 hr to and 1 hr from school daily), with the help of social worker, B of C and TD we got that too, again not before a fight.

Oh the guilt I felt, I had to send my child away so I could rest, what the hell kind of mother was I.  I knew I needed it, I fought for it but really, where things getting that bad.  I never forget his first respite night, I must have rang them every hour on the hour, and I even popped in just to say good night to him.  He was happy out.  He goes every Wednesday and Thursday night.  Now it’s like a second home and we count the hours till he’s going lol.  Life got easier, the pregnancy did not, ouch fucking ouch, I got spd, some crazy liver thing, some mental itch thing, and I needed a crutch and belt to walk, ridiculous. Get these babies outta me.

I was told I was having two boys, I was so happy to have healthy babies but bummed out no girl, I was sick of boys, me and K where out numbered until Iz came an we didn't like it.  So 3d scan day arrives, the girl asks, so you know what your having, yes I said, 2 boys, she laughed, who told you that? The hospital I said, she said well I can tell you now, its 1 boy and 1 girl, omg the screams of us all, there was an army of people with us, my mum, his dad, my nephew, K, R, Iz, my friend and G
We where all so so happy, esp. K and G, they've wanted another girl too.  G took all the boys home and Iz, k, my friend, I, and mum went shopping hehe
A sea of pink and a tiny few of blue clothes where bought.

 I gave birth to preemie (barely) healthy (ish) twins July 15th 2012.  They where perfect, teeny tiny but perfect.  The joy, smell, cuddles, everything you love about a baby times 2, how lucky was I.  I thanked whatever it is I believe in (the juries out) every day for these precious gifts.  Having twins in the beginning was easy and because they where my last I made sure I was off the clock, off the phone (but never off face book, no my friends and family caught as many moments of the twins as I did, this proud mama shared it all, the good, the bad, the ugly) and out of my car as much as possible, I just wanted to snuggle my two beauties as much as I could all day long and because they where my 4th and 5th I knew all too well how quickly time passes and that every minute counted as small they would not stay for long.  I was in baby heaven.  I always screened them for autism; I guess it’s just in me now.

The twins esp E was very small and their weight plummeted so much they wanted to put them into peads for a few weeks, I cried as its such a relief to have twins who don’t go to scbu, to be than told they should have went and that they not doing so good.  Every 2nd day we where back to hospital with them for weights, bloods etc as they both had bad jaundice too.  Eventually after 2 months all settled down. 

 At 6 weeks I said to hubby, hmmmm M is very lights are on but no body’s home kind of way.  I flipped in and out of thinking something was wrong with him. 
They never really did well at their developmental checks which was another red flag, they where hugely delayed reaching their milestones too.  They where the best sleepers up to 4 months where they shared a cot, dream babies, than as soon as I separated them to separate cots, all sleep went out the window.  Bye bye sleep was nice knowing you. 

At 4 months I knew something was wrong with the twins, I was sure,  By 8 months I was certain and I placed them on the assessment of need against the public health nurses and amo’s advice but their both a bunch of ass holes so I daren’t listen to them anyway.  E was sitting but M was not, E was babbling but M wasn't, but than M started walking but E was 2 before she walked.  They kept failing hearing tests but where given all clear with audiology, E needed a lot of physio both needed a lot of OT and S&LT.  

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